They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Flowers bee like
Taliband
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*