Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Who.
Did.
This?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I think we should hear other voices.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.