Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on