Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Truth
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
So the ex texted me
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.