Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
a god among men
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.