The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
let’s discuss
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
this is the greatest thing ever
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle