Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes