I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
You Might Also Like
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Not recommended for beginners.