Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Air conditioning – not a fan
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.