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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I hate everything
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you