Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings