*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
You Might Also Like
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
WHY would you be happy about this?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.