please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up