*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.