Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.