Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.