I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Boom, boom, ching!
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars