Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Made something I’m not proud of
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.