Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
May never get over this
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours