The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.