I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
A choir of Spring onions
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
How do you milk an almond?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.