I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again