3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
You Might Also Like
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.