I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
incredible
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible