GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You Might Also Like
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
<—- homeless romantic
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop