Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.