my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”