Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
? 💀
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*