Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.