ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think