Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.