🤣dope
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
🤣🤣💀
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?