Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
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Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
This hospital has everything
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Who does Amazon think I am?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.