Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
The government even made aliens boring
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that