wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning