“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face