What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
incredible book dedication
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.