Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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They’re called werewolves.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!