Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
(Jupiter –
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.