Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.