Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.