I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me checking my bank balance online.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
me when I see my crush