Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
*watches the world burn*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.