Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.