Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.