There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.