I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Check out the legs on this baby