My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Wait for it
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?