I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Its true…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.