Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
So creative 😂
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Accurate
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?